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Yes But And

I have no idea where I’ve been but obviously not here. And the odd thing is my return has not been goaded so much by guilt as by pull. A good thing, I’d say.

Please forgive any repeats on literary or writing updates, not looking back to check. Maybe I’ve been in some monster wave pushed back by the death of Tula. I don’t know. Whatever. So, to date:

I finally finished the rewrite of the rewrite of the cleanup of “Last House.” Actually send off a query to an agent. And yes, “a” is the right word. Only one? Yep, and it exhausted me. Maybe now I can get some more queries out as the time has come to assume that one as a reject. I’ve also sent “Redemption” (short story) off to a couple of places. I’ve reread & tinkered with “Byrne Road” and have come to the conclusion that it likely just belongs in the trash. *sigh* and huh. I don’t know. Maybe another read down the road. We’ll see. I’m not really a short-story writer. Sometimes I’m just moved. I am mentally and in dreams working on a very strangely different follow-up to The Fat Man. That is indeed working bytheway. Not all writing work has to do with the physical act. And I do have a few words on pages.

As for the rest of the world of mine?

My daughter got married. I didn’t know this was going to happen and I wasn’t invited. She told me when she came here to help me get my garage in order (a two person job). After the fact. *Tilt* I’m still numb I believe. I don’t know. To another woman, which is fine—just dropped in here for clarity. I’m glad they are together and that she has someone in her life. I do not know where that leaves me if it does and if anywhere. I feel like a stranger looking in through the window, the window to their house. They are still definitely moving to Portugal and the date keeps getting moved up. I don’t know if I’m going or not.

I told you that I got another cat—Baby Z, or Zeus. But I hadn’t updated with information. That was almost a year ago and now. Yes, now. His prior owner wants him back. He is a purebred Bengal. He is very chatty and knows lots of words. He also got very sick at one point as he was making crystals in his urine and almost died. Surgery was involved. Now he is on a special diet. I don’t know how all of this is going to work out. She (the prior owner) is coming over on Saturday to see him. So much for me depends upon his reaction to her. He called out “MA!” for a long time after she left him here, but then he stopped. I’ve been trying to get him to say “mama” for me. Sometimes he utters a soft “mummm.” I don’t know if that’s it or not. He is very clever and smart, currently learning how to walk with a leash.

I haven’t been swimming much at all. Just now & again with all of the silly medical tests I’ve been going through. (Good excuse.) I have grown extraordinarily annoyed with them as nothing has produced any results. Nothing has been identified as causal to the bouts of pericardial effusion. But they have let up and as I don’t know anything more, I am discontinuing any further testing. And here we go, yep! “It is what it is.” All of this to say that I’ve got my swimming suit on and am going to the pool today. Shortly.

So there you have it. And as the mice say….That’s the wayyyyyyy things are…

Baby Z
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Feelings vs. Emotions

Krishnamurti Foundation Trust

wow

Ok, true, but then what if so many things, like compassion, grief, love? Without feeling are we not just automatons? Probably there’s a very good answer, which I just don’t happen to have within reach right now. Or do I? I do if the answer lies within the difference between Emotions and Feelings.

Taking a look:

Clipped from: https://pediaa.com/difference-between-emotions-and-feelings/

Main Difference – Emotions vs Feelings

Emotions and feelings are two words that we often use interchangeably. Although emotions and feelings are two sides of the same coin, there is a difference between them. It is important to learn this difference between emotions and feelings in order to understand our mental setup and how it affects our behavior. Emotions are considered as our bodies’ responses to external stimuli and feelings are mental associations and reactions to these emotions. The main difference between emotions and feelings is that emotions are physical states whereas feelings are mental associations.

What is Emotion

Emotions are natural phenomenon. They can be considered as physical and instinctive since they arise from our bodies’ responses to external stimuli. For example, when you are in an unknown place, you may feel a range of emotions such as curiosity and fear.

Emotions originally helped our ancestors to survive on earth by producing quick responses to threat, reward, and all the external stimuli in the environment. Over the years, these emotional reactions have been coded into our genes. Emotions are generally universal across all humans although some slight variations can be found depending on the individual and circumstances. Emotions can even be seen in animals. For instance, your dog may always wag his tail when you call its name; wagging of the tail is a physical manifestation of its emotions.

Since emotions are physical states, they can be measured by physical factors such as facial expressions, body language, blood flow, etc. Let’s examine the emotion fear. It’s a response to imminent danger. You can also notice several physical reactions such as shortness of breath, racing heartbeat, tightening of muscles, etc.

It is important to know that emotions are considered to be irrational, illogical and unreasonable since they are carried out by the limbic system, which is separate from the neocortex, which deals with reasoning, conscious thoughts, and decision making.

What is Feeling

Feelings are mental associations and reactions.  Dr. Antonio D’Amasio, “Feelings are mental experiences of body states, which arise as the brain interprets emotions, themselves physical states arising from the body’s responses to external stimuli. (The order of such events is: I am threatened, experience fear, and feel horror.)”

Difference Between Emotions and Feelings

Definition

Emotions are physical states that arise as a response to external stimuli.

Feelings are mental associations and reactions to emotions. 

Order

Emotions are aroused before feelings.

Feelings are caused by emotions.

Mental vs Physical

Emotions are physical states.

Feelings are mental associations or reactions.

Physical Reaction

Emotions can be observed through the physical reaction.

Feelings can be hidden.

Image Courtesy: 

“Nicole’s Many Emotions” by Ally Aubry (CC BY 2.0) via Flickr

“Emotion Cartoon” By Todd Atkins – (CC0) via Commons Wikimedia 

I believe we might deduce that emotions are natural and do not feed the ego, or strengthen it. Feelings then, can be minimized at least, or not fed to strengthen the ego. (Huh, the relationship between feed and feel?) Oi!

And I know, oh boy oh boy does this open a Pandora’s box. But only if you think about it!

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Anaïs Nin

“Why one writes is a question I can answer easily, having so often asked it of myself. I believe one writes because one has to create a world in which one can live. I could not live in any of the worlds offered to me — the world of my parents, the world of war, the world of politics. I had to create a world of my own, like a climate, a country, an atmosphere in which I could breathe, reign, and recreate myself when destroyed by living. That, I believe, is the reason for every work of art. The artist is the only one who knows the world is a subjective creation, that there is a choice to be made, a selection of elements. It is a materialization, an incarnation of his inner world.” ~Anaïs Nin (The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 5: 1947-1955

Posted by Philo Thoughts

And so it is that we write while we struggle or when the Invisible World is not close enough or to create that invisible world of our own. When we have done with creeds or schools. When the world is not world enough or is too much. When there is too much of everything but not enough of the right thing. When the hands shake on the keys or scribble on the page. We write.

And then too, we write when the sun is shining or not. When there is a moon that shows her face and when she does not. We write.

Are we breathing? Yet? When there is a shadow around the corner, or on the rug. Maybe then.

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Tula Died

When they die I think in Poetry
Otherwise not
Seems Pain is the only ink
Between us then

I used to confuse her name with his
The boy’s
He said I didn’t know his name
Couldn’t remember it

But it was the same
With all of them
The litany of names
To call them out. The one

The same with the dogs
She’s gone now
Left after I asked her not to
Yet stayed for a while after that

All black and gray now
I sang her song
Kisses all over my face
She knew her name

Tula Died on Sunday, March 13, 2022. She would have been 12 on June 16. There’s no one here now who knows all of the songs: It’s Suppertime!; Lullaby and good night; Let’s go for a walk; Walkin’, Talkin’…

When it’s time, it’s time, but it takes so much along with it. No one tells you that.

Here’s my all-time favorite photo of her. It’s from when she was a pup and just learning things. She was so proud everytime she mastered something, and she loved this hoop to its very death. I was always sad I could never find another to replace it. But that’s OK. Later on in years she decided she would not bring anything back. No retrieving. Nope. Too adult for the childish nonsense. But then she decided she would only listen to instructions by choice. No blind obedience crap. I’m glad I honored her choices and her decision to be an equal partner in our relationship. It worked.

Tula in the park in Manitou

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Books

About the accumulation of books, this is the best I’ve read. As posted by Novel Nerds.

“Even when reading is impossible, the presence of books acquired (by passionate devotion to them) produces such an ecstasy that the buying of more books than one can peradventure read is nothing less than the soul reaching towards infinity … we cherish books even if unread, their mere presence exudes comfort, their ready access, reassurance.”
— A. Edward Newton

Photo credit: @tillylovesbooks

This is so true as to at times be pathetic, this star-struck gazing at the shelves. Sometimes I’ve just sat and reveled in, admired the books for what I know they contain. The words they hold. Their mysteries and the memories. I had never considered the reach toward infinity. Eternity maybe, but not infinity.